dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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