Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
