We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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