Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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