Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
