you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
