How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
