9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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