Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i barfeds in our rink
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
