i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
