Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
