Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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