She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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