soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
