Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
