He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
