So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
