The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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