Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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