i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
