He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
