It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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