make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
