Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I can't turn off my feet"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
