If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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