Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
