the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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