our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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