if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
