Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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