I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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