I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
