Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
