i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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