we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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