one word: firstdatebathroomanal
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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