what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
