I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
