I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
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Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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