anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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