My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
