Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
