Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Randomize
