After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Houston, we have a blender
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
