i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
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The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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