I woke up to her vacumming the grass
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
