...so i touched it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
