Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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