What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
