last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My penis needs a shock collar
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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