New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
