I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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