when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there was a trapeze. enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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