I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
