I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Text me some of your sweat
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
