Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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