I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
