you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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