i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
