I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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